Our Wacky World—6/15/2011

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Asshat cartoonist  Scott Adams strikes again (read all of it; it gets stupider as it goes along):

"The part that interests me is that society is organized in such a way that the natural instincts of men are shameful and criminal while the natural instincts of women are mostly legal and acceptable. "

Pharyngula

"A 780-year-old religious relic of the patron saint of lost causes and missing objects was stolen from a Catholic church on Monday, just hours after it was put on display to commemorate the feast of St. Anthony"

MSNBC

"Oregon's Portland Water Bureau is draining an 8 million-gallon reservoir after surveillance cameras caught a man urinating into it this week."

Like birds don't shit in it every day. (CNN)

Here's what losers do on Facebook:

Eley posted this message on her Facebook wall: "I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father." Bynum allegedly responded to Eley on Facebook: "say no more," "what he look like?" "where he be at," "need dat stack 1st," and "ima mop that bull."

ABC

And:

"Joanne Fraill, the juror who admitted contacting an acquitted defendant during a drugs trial, has been sentenced to eight months in prison"

The Register


And then there's the specter of leaving an embarrassing trail on the Internet—forever:

"The company sent me some of those examples of what’s previously turned up in applicant background checks: a job seeker who had an Internet photo featuring him holding multiple guns and a sword, another who was a member of a “racist” Facebook group (“I shouldn’t have to press 1 for English! Learn the language”), and a third whose Internet footprint indicated drug use, including membership in a pro-Cannabis 2012 campaign and Craigslist ads seeking OxyContin."

Forbes

Rush Limbaugh becomes the latest celebrity with a vanity beverage—and it's not vodka:

"It's only sold and 12 packs and there's no returns. We're not idiots," Limbaugh said. "You're not going to want to return this. You're going to want to chug it. You're going to regret you didn't order more after you taste it. And you're going to keep the bottles. We spared no expense. The labels are works of art. The shrink wraps are works of art. You're going to take this shrink wrap off with great care to save it."

Crooks & Liars


Man's best enemy:

I dare you to click on this

"...it’s not an accident that some of the most brutal and cruel, demonic tyrants of history loved animals. It’s not an accident. It’s not an accident that Adolf Hitler was almost never seen without his dog, who he was petting constantly. Loved his dog!"

Right Wing Watch

'The original 1955 film featured the dog's name 12 times as the codeword used to report the successful breaching of the Möhne and Eder dams. Fry said: "In the film, you're constantly hearing 'n-word, n-word, n-word, hurray' and Barnes Wallis is punching the air. But obviously that's not going to happen now. So Digger seems okay, I reckon."'

The Register

"The doctor pushed a tube through Condé’s nose in order to force water and the emetic directly into his stomach. This made him throw up a small ball of cocaine which...was sufficient evidence on which to charge him.  But the doctor repeated the procedure...even after he had personally called an emergency doctor because Condé was no longer responsive."

The Local


Hey kids, it's time for Tea Party summer camp with your chief counselor, Ayn Rand:

Charming couple

'Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the "banker" will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value. "Some of the kids will fall for it," Lukens said. "Others kids will wise up."'

Weird Load

Boffo

Our Wacky World—6/13/2011

What is it about being born and raised in America that turns people into "superior", entitled peasants?:

Luxury

"I don’t want to trivialize* the inhumane horrors that African slaves endured on slave ships  destined for the Americas. But after a recent airplane trip, sitting tightly next to my neighbor in steerage seats, I feel the discomfort and pain endemic to the current air experience has certain curious similarities."

*You just did.

Daily Heller (Includes pictures comparing the interiors of slave ships to jumbo jets)

Bloody tourists

Lie in your own piss, shit, blood and diarhea for a few weeks with people dying all around you and then get back to me white boy.

In case you're wondering who this soulless cracker is:

"Steven Heller is the author, co-author, and editor of more than 100 books on design. He was an art director for the New York Times for more than 33 years and is currently co-chair of the MFA Designer as Author Department at SVA."

And he has his head so far up his ass he can see light at the end of the tunnel.

This one has got to hurt:

"Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts."

Guardian

Normally I'd put the Palin piece at the top but Mr. Dickless got me too fired up. But it does sound like something she would say, doesn't it?


More clueless Creationist bullshit:

"So…this clever calculation is contingent on the premise that there has been 6 billion people on the earth for 3 billion years, and, tragically, that every drop everyone drinks stays in their body and disappears when they die."

Pharyngula


Here we go again:

Although Palmer tried to explain his medical condition to deputies...they arrested him for driving under the influence and took him to Fort Sanders Loudon Medical Center emergency room to draw his blood... "Everybody eventually figured out, 'Hey, this guy has cerebral palsy and you can't arrest someone for driving with a medical condition' "

Knox News

And again:

'...they asked Drew to place his feet on the yellow shoe line, something he didn't understand. They proceeded to pat his pants down, questioning the padding which was his adult diapers. When the agents asked Drew to take his hand and rub the front and back of his pants so they could swab it for explosives, his dad stepped in and tried to explain that Drew was mentally challenged. "They said, 'Please, sir, we know what we're doing"'

No you don't. (KSAZ)

"Staysha Randall has attempted to break the world record of 3,100 piercings for a title of "Most Body Piercings in a Single Sitting."  She initially wanted to go for 3,600 piercing, however, after she got 3,200 piercing she changed her mind"

International Business Times (lots of pictures)

"The 50-year-old mother - a self-confessed plastic surgery addict known as The Human Barbie - has boasted that she gave a £6,000 breast enlargement voucher to her daughter for her seventh birthday. Poppy 'squealed with delight' when she was given the voucher. As well as the breast enlargement voucher, Miss Burge bought her daughter thousands of pounds worth of gifts, including a £250 computer, a £450 pink Swarovski crystal ring and necklace set and the promise of a £4,000 spa break."

Mail Online

A £250 computer? Doesn't sound like a Macintosh to me. What a cheap bitch, depriving her child like that.

"Once Iraq becomes a very rich and prosperous country... we would hope that some consideration be given to repaying the United States some of the mega-dollars that we have spent here in the last eight years"—Us Rep. (R) Dana Rohrabacher during visit to Iraq

Raw Story

"Harold Camping, the Family Radio minister who inaccurately predicted that the world would experience Judgment Day last May 21, has suffered a stroke."

Guess he won't be taking those millions with him. (CBS)

Aliens with a sense of humor

Our Wacky World—6/7/2011

Mystery solved

I just can't get enough of the Sarah Palin freak show:

"Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors," the memo said. "Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the 'mistake chain,' and those who supervise them.

Crooks & Liars

Here are some hi-res photos of the above. Meanwhile:

"Palin’s two-SUV caravan traveled at 52 miles per hour in a 35 mph zone as it peeled away from the hosts’ neighborhood. Both cars blew through a stop sign about a mile later. They did 70 mph in a 55 mph zone on I-95 — and then, after they got off, without signaling, flew right past a flashing sign informing them they were going 45 mph in a 35 mph zone."

Politico

"It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven its value... the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases:

Headache, body ache, heart system, arthritis, fast heart beat, epilepsy, excess fatness, bronchitis asthma, TB, meningitis, kidney and urine diseases, vomiting, gastritis, diarrhea, piles, diabetes, constipation, all eye diseases, womb, cancer and menstrual disorders, ear nose and throat diseases."

Tamil Brahmins

"For the last three years the man had been held captive in a brick-and-tin shed... The marks on his arms weren’t the tell-tale signs of heroin addiction; they came from where his captor, a ruthless modern-day vampire...named Papu Yadhav, punctured his skin with a hollow syringe. He had kept the man captive so he could drain his blood and sell it to blood banks."

Wired

'At home, the punishment for feminine behavior would become more severe. The therapists instructed Kirk's parents to use poker chips as a system of rewards and punishments... red chips, given for effeminate behavior, resulted in "physical punishment by spanking from the father."

...the spankings were severe. Maris remembers "lots of belt incidents." She escaped the screaming by going to her bed to "lay in the room with my pillow on my head." Later, she would go to Kirk's bedroom and "lay down and hug him and we would just lay there, and the thing that I remember is that he never even showed anger. He was just numb."'

CNN

"The five-year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has $150,000 worth of footwear in her closet, according to news reports published today. But $150,000 on shoes is small fry compared with the rest of the youngster's wardrobe, which is believed to have a value of $3.2million."

If this sounds familiar it's because I've posted about the Cruise family's child-rearing practices before. I can't wait until she hits puberty. (Mail Online)

Here's a handy list of false quotations from the Bible that Bill O'Reilly should read. Too bad the author screwed up on this part:

"The scripture never says a whale swallowed Jonah, the Old Testament prophet, nor did any New Testament passages say that three wise men visited baby Jesus, scholars say."

Amateur. I'm not a "scholar" but I know the Bible better:

"And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh."

It takes a while to travel to Bethlehem, especially when you stop by Herod's palace along the way. The part about the camels is pretty dodgy, too. (Matthew 2:11)

You don't have to be a "Christian" to join Alcoholics Anonymous—except in Toronto:

"On Tuesday, Toronto’s two secular AA groups, known as Beyond Belief and We Agnostics, were removed or “delisted” from the roster of local meetings. They’ve disappeared from the Toronto AA website and will not be in the next printed edition of the Toronto directory."

The Star

"Buscetto said since water started flowing in the whale fountain last month, police and fire officials have been called for people urinating, defecating and washing themselves off in the fountain water. He said some people who have cut themselves have also used the fountain to rinse off blood."

The Day

"The couple both face charges of scrubbing two boys' bodies and teeth with a wire brush, force-feeding them after shoving their faces into plates of food, chaining two boys together with a metal chain and making them sleep outside at night."

NZ Herald

Hate 3D movies? Wear 2D specs. Half the murkiness with only 2/3 of the dimensions.

Almost exponential