Saturday, December 3, 2011

Our Wacky World—12/3/2011

"Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas."
Rock Beyond Belief

Seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting over four hours. Or delusions like this:
"Professor Subhi described sitting in a coffee shop in an unnamed Arab state. ‘All the women were looking at me,’ he wrote. ‘One made a gesture that made it clear she was available... this is what happens when women are allowed to drive.’"
Dream on, professor. (Mail Online)

“Before the kids go to junior high school, spank them every time they make mistakes, but greatly reduce the frequency after junior high since the children form their own personalities by that age; The spanking tool is confined to the rattan cane only, which causes minor bruises; Only hands and calves are spanked, other body parts are spared; Mistakes are pointed out every time before the whack so children know why they are punished; Sisters and brothers must watch when one of them is smacked so they learn; The punished one has to count the number of spankings during each admonishment; The punished one cannot try to avoid the punishment, otherwise he/she gets more.”
Global Public Square

'No other news network gets comparable NYPD protection, although a police department spokesman suggested in an email to the Daily Beast that they did. As best we could decipher a rationale for this extraordinary sentry at the gates of the Fox empire, it appears to be fueled by the security obsession of Fox News chief Roger Ailes.
 ✂. . .
Ailes, who works out of News Corp. headquarters, is notorious for his obsession with security. A May 2011 Rolling Stones [sic] profile on the media mogul described how Ailes requested that bombproof glass be installed in his office windows, and is “convinced that he has personally been targeted by Al Qaeda for assassination.”'
The Daily Beast

"Smith was sitting in first class when a passenger seated behind him saw the images and became concerned. The passenger took a cellphone picture of what Smith was doing, then alerted a flight attendant. The passenger also emailed a relative about the situation and asked that person to contact police... Smith tried to erase pictures of what appeared to be pre-teen girls engaged in sexual acts after a flight attendant told him to turn off his computer."
Washington Post

'...a parent told police that her daughter had been invited--along with other girls--to Crain’s residence for a pizza party. ...“they dressed up in bras and panties and decorated the tree and ate pizza.” Under questioning by her parents, the girl revealed that Crain “took photos of her and her friends decorating the tree,” and that some of the girls “made up a cheer dance and did it in the bra and panties while Crain videotaped them.”'
The Smoking Gun

"...she joined Scientology's hardcore Sea Organization -- signing its standard billion-year contract -- at only 14 years of age. ..after her stepfather committed suicide and her mother denounced Scientology on French television, Paris was ordered to "disconnect" from her family. ...David Miscavige then enforced that disconnection by having her put on the cruise ship, the Freewinds, that sails the Caribbean and caters to high-level church members. Paris was told she'd be on the ship for two weeks. Instead, she says she was held there against her will for 12 years."
Village Voice

"Federal prosecutors said the three conned elderly customers into buying unnecessary septic products, in some cases more than 70 years worth of toilet paper"
CBS Miami

"A musician who composed a track for use at a local film festival later found it being used without permission in an anti-piracy campaign. He is now claiming at least a million euros for the unauthorized distribution of his work on DVDs. To make matters even worse, a board member of a royalty collection agency offered to to help the composer to recoup the money, but only if he received 33% of the loot."
Torrent Freak

"[David] Duke was picked up by German police last Friday while trying to speak at a neo-Nazi gathering just outside Cologne. He was later released and has remained in Germany while authorities here institute deportation proceedings."
The Local

Ambien awakens people with borderline consciousness:
"...three years was well past the point at which doctors would expect any sort of spontaneous recovery. Viljoen awoke with the ability to speak in complete sentences. Not only did he recognize his mother, but he also recognized the voices of people who had spoken to him only when he was apparently vegetative. He remembered nothing of the mysterious realm he kept receding back into. When doctors asked him what it was like to slip away, he said he felt no changes at all. But he could recall conversations from the previous day’s awakening, along with bits and pieces of his former life: his favorite rugby team, specific matches he attended, players that he rooted for and against. As time passed, his cognition improved. He could laugh at jokes, and his awakenings stretched from a few hours to entire days. Eventually, he no longer needed zolpidem."

"Michele Bachmann told supporters in Iowa on Wednesday of her lofty plans for American diplomacy, claiming that a Bachmann presidency would mean no U.S. embassy in Iran. Considering the recent hostility in the Iranian capital of Tehran against the British embassy, the comment might not seem particularly out of place -- if not for the fact that the U.S. hasn't actually had a functioning embassy in Iran since 1980."
I can't make this shit up. If I had the time I'd do a special post on all the batshit this woman has spouted in the last couple of months but I'll probably never get around to it. She'll say something even loonier tomorrow. (Huffingon Post)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Our Wacky World—11/27/2011

'Brazilian researchers polled nearly 500 men from a dozen cities, and found that roughly 35 percent of the men had "made it" with an animal. That's a problem, because screwing a horse, donkey, pig, or any other animal was found to up your likelihood of developing cancers of the penis by 42 percent.'

"After a three year investigation, European Union officials have concluded that there is no evidence to prove that water can prevent dehydration. Bottled water producers are now forbidden by law from making such a claim."
Turley's blog

This week's sample from Michelle Bachmann's endless supply of batshit:
"But, while Bachmann at least had an obvious reason for inventing and/or distorting the “facts” in her original story — to sound more Iowan when campaigning in Iowa — nothing can explain why this woman would take a chance on making up the addition to her story that appears in her new book, Core of Conviction: My Story — that her great-great-grandfather, Halvor Munson, won a farm in Kansas from Jesse James in a poker game!"
This Week in Christian Nationalism

'District Attorney Lisa Riniker appears intent on outdoing other prosecutors by charging a 6-year-old boy with first-degree sexual assault for what the family says was playing doctor with a 5-year-old girl. The toddler is charged with a Class B felony and Riniker rejects criticism that she failed to apply not just discretion but reason. Instead she says “the legislature could have put an age restriction in the statute if it wanted to. The legislature did no such thing.”'
Turley's blog

"The $6.2bn George [H.W.] Bush, when functioning on top line, is perhaps the most powerful warship in the world. Its air group of more than 90 planes and choppers could defeat many national air forces or navies on its own, and it can steam at a speedboat-like 30+ knots for 20 years without refuelling.
 ✂. . . times there hasn't been a single working head – as lavs are known at sea – anywhere aboard the entire mighty hundred-thousand-ton warship. Reportedly the Bush is fitted with no less than 423 thrones, but it appears that problems with the suction flushing system can easily knock out large numbers of these at once – or even all of them."

"The theme of the movie is nothing new, and it is rapidly gaining a New Age cult status that deserves a skeptical look. One of the most egregious claims in the movie is that free energy machines are being suppressed by "the man" because it would overthrow the current energy producers."

"After a devastating breakup, Eric Smith does the only sensible thing: he [sells the ring and] buys a full set of armor inspired by Halo"
Bygone Bureau

The ban was placed by school administrators after a parent suffered a concussion after being hit in the head by a soccer ball. "Any balls brought will be confiscated and may be retrieved by parents from the office," a statement obtained by CTV said. "The only kind of ball allowed will be nerf balls or sponge balls."
Huffington Post

"Charles Preston found $500,000 worth of cocaine hidden in the door panels of his used Chrysler Town & Country 15 months after he bought the car, when his car was in the shop having its brakes examined"
AOL Autos

"A Catholic Church child safety co-ordinator who was in charge of investigating sexual abuse allegations was jailed for 12 months today for internet peadophile offences."
Mail Online

Let Us Spray