Our Wacky World—1/10/2013

Another great spam topic: "This is not fables – the holy true is in our online medical shop!"

From the Ghost of Xmas (very recently) Past—Ebenezer Scrooge was a good man of business.

The Second Coming is now officially pushed back until 2060 so let's start the new year off with a floating pity party:

Dream on

"'Who sent Obama here to destroy America?' a fiftysomething woman asked me one evening over dinner, as if it were a perfectly reasonable question. And here onboard the cruise ship, it was. If the Nieuw Amsterdam was a kind of ark of American alienation, at least it was an eminently comfortable one... Most of the roughly 600 National Review cruisers, who’d signed up for what was billed as the 'conservative cruise of a lifetime,' were in their prime during the Reagan years—the greatest days to be a conservative. Nostalgia and loss hung in the air, with much talk of endings, both personal and national. To sum up his feelings about the election, John Wohlstetter, a national-security author in his mid-sixties...recalled the words of a long-­forgotten liberal lamenting a loss: 'The people have spoken, the bastards.'

"Jonah Goldberg attempted a note of optimism, garnering hearty applause when he said conservative ideas were 'still salable because, A, they’re correct. Two plus two is four. You have to believe that we’re going to be proven right by reality.'"

This article has so many hilarious quotes in it I have to force myself to stop adding any. A must-read. (NYmag)

Also of great interest:

"Put all this together and you have an astonishing body of evidence. We now have studies at the international level, the national level, the state level, the city level, and even the individual level. Groups of children have been followed from the womb to adulthood, and higher childhood blood lead levels are consistently associated with higher adult arrest rates for violent crimes. All of these studies tell the same story: Gasoline lead is responsible for a good share of the rise and fall of violent crime over the past half century."

Mother Jones

What could possibly be funnier then paranormalists ripping off paranormalists?

"May this post serve as a warning to prevent future financial victims of PRS and may it serve as a catalyst to the criminal justice system to come to the aid of the victims and to punish these criminal offenders. Both my daughter and I will be more than happy to provide legal statements and testify against them in Court"

Rip-off Report


The latest from living legend John MacAfee:

"McAfee goes on to accuse members of Hezbollah of establishing a training base in Nicaragua, south of Belize. The supposed terrorists formed links with the Zetas, the infamous Mexican drug cartel, and may be using deadly ricin from plants grown at the training camp, we're told. The Zetas, according to McAfee, smuggle the poisonous protein in return for advanced weaponry from Hezbollah"

The Register


Mike "every mass shooting is an FBI hoax" Adams is already a colossal FAIL when it comes to the 2nd Amendment but now he's working on the 1st:

"Americans are, of course, protected under the First Amendment to make their points of view well-known, even if (or especially if) they use their constitutionally protected voice to speak out against other rights enshrined in the Constitution. But Morgan is not afforded those rights and protections."

Piers Morgan is an annoying prat but as long as he keeps pissing people like Adams off I can live with it. I don't watch his damn show. (Natural News)

"When it was announced that Electronic Arts would be partnering with gun companies for the latest outing of their Medal of Honor franchise, the vast majority of those following along let out a collective sigh. 'Great,' people said to each other, 'Another reason to blame video games for gun violence.'"

Geek System

"Donovan told the dispatcher that he was alone in the rectory. It’s not clear exactly how he ended up in handcuffs or why he feared a medical emergency. His voice sounds garbled or muffled on the tape, and sources say that police discovered some sort of gag on the priest when they arrived."

Illinois Times

"QuantumVET™ Tricorder Plus consists of a set of Portal Access Keys™ (PAKs™)downloaded to your smartphone, pc, laptop or tablet. These PAKs™ allow you to open a portal that allows master programs to be transferred from ZAG's quantum computer to your pet's brain to run a set of diagnostics to determine exactly what is causing your pet's symptom(s). ...these master programs then use their quantum intelligence to access the vast number of other master programs in ZAG's quantum library in order to select those programs necessary for administering treatment... Your pet's quantum computer (its brain) knows exactly what is going on... There is never any risk of adverse side effects nor possibility of overdose or toxicity to your beloved pet treating with pure data unlike medicines prescribed by traditional veterinarians...

"COUNTERFEIT NOTICE
Beware of imposters. Only Portal Access Keys™ (PAKs™) uploaded directly from this site (QuantumMANsite.com) are genuine and effective."

Quantum MAN

"A small religious school is under criminal investigation after several dozen teenage students and others volunteered over several weekends to gut a building containing asbestos... Students as young as 13 who attend the Buckeye Education School spent several weekends removing asbestos-filled materials without any protective gear at the former YWCA on Smith Road..."

WKYC

"Up to 60,000 patients die on the Liverpool Care Pathway each year without giving their consent, shocking figures revealed yesterday. A third of families are also kept in the dark when doctors withdraw lifesaving treatment from loved ones. Despite the revelations, Jeremy Hunt last night claimed the pathway was a ‘fantastic step forward’. In comments that appeared to prejudge an official inquiry into the LCP, the Health Secretary said ‘one or two’ mistakes should not be allowed to discredit the entire end-of-life system."

Mail Online

"The Cowboy Church of Virginia, led by chief pastor Raymond Bell, believes homosexuality and other ‘addictions’ can be cured by Equine Assisted Psychotherapy."

GayStarNews

“He came in one day, and finally I told him, ‘OK, I’ll put Intelligent Design into the curriculum … if you start a petition and get all the local ministers in the community to sign it saying they’ll allow the teaching of evolution in Sunday school’”

Pharyngula

"An Indiana man convicted of setting fire to an Ohio mosque attributed his crime to the influence of Fox News, which he says convinced him that 'most Muslims are terrorists."'"

Digital Journal

1. Talent
2. College paid for
3. Insane parents...

"Despite her good grades and success in musical shows, David and Julie Ireland often drove 600 miles from Leawood, Kan., to visit their daughter unannounced. They accused her of using illegal drugs, of promiscuity and suffering from mental woes... She insisted none of that was true and asked them to stop, but their accusations escalated. They informed her department head their daughter had mental issues that could force them to go to court to seek to have her treated."

AZ Central

"In a particularly embarrassing episode of the investigation, the Japanese police arrested four of those unsuspecting individuals and extracted "confessions" from them, only for other institutions to receive threats containing details that only the real criminal behind the scheme would know - while the four were in custody."

Net Security

Our Wacky World—12/23/2012

Well it's the 23rd of December. Looks like we dodged the bullet again, eschatologically-speaking. Outside of Connecticut, at least. In honor of the latest slaughter it's time once again to bestow the coveted Most Fucked Argument/Excuse/Explanation/Completely Irrelevant Aside Award™.

And who will have the honors? The NRA for blaming a lack of guns in schools? Bryan "Douche" Fischer blaming the lack of "god" in schools? The anti-vaxers blaming the lack of unvaccinated children in schools? All deserving souls but the winner of the MFAEECIA™ award is... Charlotte Allen:

"There was not a single adult male on the school premises when the shooting occurred. In this school of 450 students...all the personnel...were female. There didn’t even seem to be a male janitor to heave his bucket at Adam Lanza’s knees."

"Unfortunately, the idea of being an 'adult' and a 'man' once one has reached physical maturity seems to have faded out of our coddling culture."

Crooks & Liars

Note that the previous winner, Mike Adams of "Natural" News, took the opportunity to pile on as well with more of his conspiracy bullshit but it was too much of the same bitching. Nice try, Mike.

Make that 46 holes of ass

Obama's post-shooting speech interrupted coverage of a football game—shock, horror:

"Obama can eat shit, trying to make a speech during the football game. Unacceptable"

"Obama you stupid sand nigger get off my tv. Your just making the families hurt and miss their kids more and I want to watch football" 

"WOOW THEY TOOK OFF SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!! TO WATCH THIS NIGGER!! OBAMA TALK ABOUT THE SHOOTING NIGGA IDGAF! THE PATROITS PLAYING!!!"

Dead Spin (lots more)


Now here's an instant classic, one of the most entertaining things I've read in a while:

"There is one thing I feel absolutely secure in saying after spending the last forty-four years of my life conducting parapsychological research; that the paranormal attracts more emotionally disturbed people than any other area of human interest or endeavor."

Barry Taff

Along similar lines:

"The most remarkable thing about these stories [is] the meticulousness of the observations. 'About seven minutes into my pacing, I saw a tall, fat figure scurry away about 20 feet away from me,' writes one observer. Another describes 'a man in a red suit with white beard and white fur around his suit with black boots,' adding, 'He was around 5’8” or 5’9”. ' While such clarity isn’t evident in all of these reports—one person recalls seeing '9 little shining splodges in the sky as well as a big splodge at the back of them'— the overall tone is of people giving courtroom testimony."

Boston Globe

"In the lush hills of northern Thailand, a herd of 20 elephants is excreting some of the world's most expensive coffee."

IOL News

"FEEL LIKE YOU WERE BORN THE WRONG SEX? MAYBE JUST TIRED OF DEALING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? THIS SPELL CAN HELP TO TRANSFORM YOUR BODY & MIND FROM MALE TO FEMALE OR FEMALE TO MALE! (CAN ALSO BE USED AS A REVENGE SPELL IF YOU WISH A BLACK MAGICK VERSION BE PERFORMED AGAINST SOMEONE)"

Etsy

Oliver Sacks, M.D., has a new book out—Hallucinations:

"I was flying forwards. Bewildered. I looked around. I saw my own body on the ground. I said to myself, 'Oh shit, I'm dead.'"

They just keep getting better. (Atlantic)


"Alien Mug Shots: The Ten Best (or Worst) Photos of Aliens"

CSI

"Now Alvarez has added to her rather notorious reputation with a bizarre claim as part of a 60 Minutes piece on a litany of wrongful convictions by her office. She suggests that the fact that a serial rapist’s DNA was found on the body was not proof of the innocence of five teens because he might have come across the girl’s dead body later and had sex with it."

Turley's Blog

"Today, the military claims to operate a mere 172 golf courses worldwide, suggesting that over thirty years after Proxmire's criticisms [in 1975], a modicum of reform has taken place... In actuality, the military has cooked the books."

Alternet

Click for story

"Oakland, California is in the midst of a crime wave... Nevertheless, the city fired one-fourth of its police department... in the latest example of the lunacy of public subsidies for professional football and baseball teams, the city is forking over $17.3 million for the National Football League’s Oakland Raiders and Major League Baseball’s Athletics."

Turley's Blog


This is why I don't watch TV:

"But Hester, who has been waging war with the network over trademarks even before Tuesday's lawsuit, says this is a "lie" -- that many of the scenes are staged, that interviews with cast members are scripted in advance and that producers have shot footage when no real auctions are taking place. Hester even says that the defendants have asked him to provide valuable items to be planted."

It isn't that this show (and probably all the rest of them) is rigged, it's that these shows suck in general. (the Clicker) You might also want to look at this.


It looks like Rossi is still trying hard to sell his cold fusion scheme (pdf):

"Several people commented that if Rossi has cracked cold fusion and is seeking an Australian representative, why he is dealing with a retired hippy in New Age-land, instead of a major energy company."

Australian Skeptics

"Sure enough, last week NASA was forced to admit that an employee at the agency’s offices in Washington DC had left a laptop computer containing all that newly acquired personal information on its employees in his car on Halloween night, and it had been stolen. Worse yet, further validating the concerns of JPL scientists, the data on the computer had not even been encrypted!"

Counterpunch

Click for info

Some good news from NYC:

"Prosecution of sexual abuse allegations in the ultra-Orthodox community has been hampered in the past by the intimidation of witnesses. In this case, Mr. Hynes’s office brought charges against several men for allegedly trying to interfere with the case, through bribery and threats. Then, during the trial, three other men were charged for taking cellphone pictures of the victim, in violation of court rules. And, although supporters of accused abusers have dominated the gallery at previous trials involving prominent ultra-Orthodox Jewish men, on many days at this trial, supporters of the accuser and advocates for abuse victims were in the majority."

Butterflies And Wheels

And:

"New York police have arrested a man for throwing a chemical, believed to be bleach, on a rabbi who advocates for sexual abuse victims."

CNN

It has begun.


Meanwhile, on a small island in the Pacific that no one's ever heard of, a familiar pattern unfolds:

"Yet to anthropologists, it appears the Kritsi are the warlike ones. Paradoxically, even in the midst of Kritsi claims of their own peacefulness and Syenz aggression, both the Kritsi and the Syenz have lore that clearly describes Kritsi raids and killings on the Syenz side, with raids in reverse apparently nonexistent. The Syenz tribe has for generations gone peacefully about its business, and the Kritsi literally have nothing the Syenz want. The Kritsi seem blissfully unaware of the conflict between their peace-loving rhetoric and their own warlike actions."

Blue Collar Atheist

"The practice of buying Twitter followers (or Facebook fans, Instagram followers, etc.) is as old as social media itself, hinged on the archaic notion that quantity trumps all in the social interaction sphere. Some of the most well-known politicians and celebrities in our social strata are accused of puffing up their own numbers with these followers" 

“Did you pay for your followers with a credit card? If so, a hacker who makes fake followers now has your credit card number.”

The Next Web

That settles it

Our Wacky World—12/5/2012

Best spam subject I've seen in quite a while: "Be the king at the orgy"

Here's the scoop on how they've been torturing Bradley Manning.

What would Kickstarter be without woo? And what the hell is it with Michio Kaku? The man is not stupid but he keeps saying embarrassing things:

"At last, a serious and thoughtful book about this controversial subject. Skeptics and true believers will find a treasure trove of insightful and eye opening information. This book is bound to set the gold standard for UFO research."—Michio Kaku, Ph.D. Author of Physics of the Impossible and host of Sci Fi Science on the Science Channel

Note the quote from venerable fool-ee Harold Puthoff slightly lower down. You're now in great company, Michio. And this book is a game-changer, all right. It's the end of Leslie Kean's journalistic career and the start of a new, more bogus one. Check out Bob Sheaffer's review of it (if you see a bunch of weird characters in the text set your browser's text encoding to "ISO Latin 1").

"North Korea is as annoying and weird as it has always been, but getting nuclear weapons didn't transform it from an economic basket case into a mighty regional power and didn't make it more inclined to misbehave. In fact, what is most remarkable about North Korea's nuclear program is how little impact it has had on its neighbors. States like Japan and South Korea could go nuclear very quickly if they wanted to, but neither has done so in the six years since North Korea's first nuclear test.

"For some strange reason, however, the U.S. national security community seems to think that both logic and all this prior history does not apply to Iran."

Foreign Policy


I can't wait to see how this works out:

"Repeat offenders should be forcibly removed from their neighbourhood and sent to a village for scum," he suggested last year. "Put all the trash together."

Telegraph


Tattoo face guy changes his mind (big fucking surprise):

"Hartsburg will be able to have subsequent sessions at offices around the country, so it won't slow down a professional wrestling career that he is hoping to transition into a role in the entertainment industry. After all is said and done, Hartsburg hopes ditching the tattoo won't hamper his rise to fame, instead allowing him to 'be more than just the tattoo face guy.'"

Yahoo

The Internet is forever. Good luck with your wrestling career. While I'm at it, here's another update from the last WWN...

She's now job hunting.

How Republican candidates pay off their staff:

"Basically he handed me a check with a condom in it, told me I was screwed," Gomes said. "That's the rudest gesture you can ever do to a person, it's like spitting in a person's face."

Booman Tribune

"By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses."

"The son of Detroit — who boasted of the Cadillacs he owned as a sign of support for the U.S. auto industry during the campaign — was spotted driving a new black Audi Q7, a luxury sport-utility vehicle manufactured in Slovakia."

Washington Post

I've been highly bemused by the changes in evangelical charlatanry over the years. Prosperity Gospel™ is the most profitable scam yet, but just to make sure evangelists are now covering all the bases with quack medicines and gold investment schemes. Today I first heard about this:

“If you have shied away from profiting from the immense promise of stem cells to treat disease because of moral concern over extracting stem cells from fetal tissue, pay close attention. You can now invest with a clear conscience. An Israeli entrepreneur, Zami Aberman, has discovered ‘an oilfield in the placenta.’ His little company, Pluristem Life Systems (OTCBB: PLRS) has made a discovery which is potentially more valuable than Prudhoe Bay.”

Dispatches From The Culture Wars



Obama is a dog:

Another embarrassing picture
from his college days

“He suggests that he’s dogging it as president, faking it as an illegal president in a second way now with a stolen election. That he’s a real ‘dog’ for such deception. The image of a dog further suggests: a pet favored by the media and blind supporters who would not dare to explore his illegality by birth or unfair election; that he will dog or haunt America for another four years because a dog also bites especially a wounded one."

Dispatches From The Culture Wars

Fact checking, conservative style:

"They also unfairly tarnish Michele Bachmann as a liar, when anybody who follows her already understands that many of her statements aren’t meant to be truthful in the first place — she simply says what she feels."

Existential Crisis Factory


Tired of being gay? There's a treatment for that:

"Downing directed Levin to say one negative thing about himself, remove an article of clothing, then repeat the process. Although Levin protested and expressed discomfort, at Downing's insistence, Levin submitted and continued until he was fully naked. Downing then instructed Levin to touch his penis and then his buttocks. Levin, unsure what to do but trusting in and relying on Downing, followed the instructions, upon which Downing said 'good' and the session ended."

"On one occasion, Downing instructed Unger to beat an effigy of his mother with a tennis racket, as though killing her, and encouraged Unger to scream at his mother while beating her effigy"

CNN

"Norwegian mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik accused prison officers of trying to drive him to suicide in conditions he describes as 'a mini Abu Ghraib.' ...he is frustrated that guards do not cooperate with his carefully planned daily schedule, where he times his various activities down to the minute."

Yahoo


What's wrong with the media today? Howard Kurtz gives us a shining example—himself. Strangely, he doesn't seem to be interested in getting at the truth of anything. All he wants is for everyone to "play nice". His post is chock full of the usual exercises in false equivalence. The article is supposed to be about the Petraeus debacle but instead we hear how much alike Alan Grayson and Allen West are. As if. Grayson is a blunt realist, West is a demonstrably batshit crazy, Tea Party looney who's a very poor loser. Kurtz succeeds in doing exactly the same thing as the hordes of hosts and guests on Fox News—reducing the world to black and white with the one subtle difference of hoping for some "gray" instead of touting "white". Kurtz would be the first to complain about the Leftists on MSNBC. Get rid of those few people and you have exactly zero balance on cable TV. To achieve the same "balance", Roger Ailes would have to fire everyone except Shepard Smith.

Is Kurtz really that oblivious? Is he some sort of tragic hippie? Do you think I really give a fuck?