Our Wacky World—3/10/2013

Having dealt with the Russian meteor, José Canseco now weighs in on gravity.

"Now we have to add Israel to the ever-growing list of countries that are home to bigoted shitbag soccer fans" Meanwhile, along similar lines in Egypt... Some Buddhist sexual harassment... '90s TV show theme song shuts down school system...

Beauty before comfort

How did the human race ever survive without "APPARATUS FOR FACILITATING THE BIRTH OF A CHILD BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE"?

They have some dumb cops in Tennessee:

"The elderly couple would not seem to fit a profile for a cartel member, but the Tennessee police felt that they had made a critical mistake in their drug conspiracy. Their car had a picture of a marijuana leaf — apparently a common marking for drug mules. It turned out to be a Buckeye leaf decal. After being detained, the police reportedly told the Ohio State football fans that they needed to be more careful in the future and take off the decal. It appears to be the view of the Tennessee police that a picture of something looking like pot is enough for reasonable suspicion."

Turley's Blog

They have some dumb "pre-med' students in Florida:

"Washington, who said he's a 'pre-med" student at the College of Central Florida, said he would never intentionally hurt his daughter and only added less than a capful of bleach to about two ounces of her formula because a classmate from school told him she used the remedy with her child."

OCLA

They have some dumb teachers in Windsor:

"Parents at a South Windsor school are expressing outrage after teachers led graduating students to believe they were heading to Disney World for a year-end trip - only to reveal the next day that the kids were the butt of an elaborate joke.... One of the teachers recorded the scene on an iPad and it was later shown to another class so they too could join in the teachers' merriment."

The Windsor Star

There are some dumb people in office:

"'You would be giving off more CO2 if you are riding a bike than driving in a car,' he said. However, he said he had not 'done any analysis' of the difference in CO2 from a person on a bike compared to the engine of a car"

Seattle Bike Blog

"In a stunning, 134-page ruling, the Massachusetts Civil Service Commission this week ordered the six cops back on the job, finding that “the present state of hair testing for drugs of abuse ... does not meet the standard of reliability necessary to be routinely used” to fire someone."

Boston Herald 

"That's right, Vanderbilt's nondiscrimination policy actually discriminates against conservative Christians. So the state should sanction Vanderbilt by essentially abolishing its police force. We're not making this up."

Nashville Scene

It's that time of the year again—time for UFO nuts to get together:

"She showed drawings of supposed ET/human hybrids, in various stages of integration into the human genome, as well as photos of persons alleged to be late-stage hybrids who are (mostly) successful at passing for human. Some are fashion models, whose gaunt, angled face is said to demonstrate alien ancestry, although anorexia and heroin might produce the same effect."

Bad UFOs


So the Hitler Channel is running a new series entitled The Bible. How (bad) was it?:

"With the pace of a music video, the characterizations of a comic book and the political-correctness quotient of a Berkeley vegetarian commune — laughably, the destruction of Sodom is depicted without the faintest hint of the sexual peccadillo that takes its name from the city — this production makes Cecil B. DeMille look like a sober theologian."

I hear that the CGI angels really kick ass at Sodom. (Hollywood Reporter) On a related topic, some Ark builders would like your money.


Frightened white people speak:

“I believe they will put together a racial force to go against an opposite race resistance, basically a black force to go against a white resistance, and then they will claim anyone resisting the black force they are doing it because they are racist ....we were healing quite well as a nation on racial issues until Obama came along and now we have a lot of racial discord... If Obama can take your guns away he can take your car, he can take your home, he can take your bank account, he can take your very life”

Rightwing Watch

"Here are some other recent examples of sleep texts, as posted on Twitter and Instagram:

• "Wtf did they put in those little bomb things."
• "No bounces issues with monh..., pillow helps"
• "I legittt wish veggird were enough to fuelme"
• "The bullet holes really look great on my teddy bear."

CNN

"God will dispatch an angel to lead miracles; rid you of your enemies; bless you with prosperity; heal you; give you longevity; give you an inheritance you knew nothing about; and give you back everything the devil has stolen from you. In other words, these are the ways in which the TBN Praise-a-thon is about you and not about Paul and Jan Crouch or Steve Munsey or Benny Hinn or Eddie Long or anybody else making more money. Instead, if you give, you will be blessed in miraculous ways."

Salon

"The vials were sealed, labeled, and placed in Brooks's office until a waste-management firm could arrange a pickup. Johnson, who was raised Mormon and attended undergrad at BYU ('where figure drawing classes models wore bikinis or speedos') immediately claimed censorship. 'I am happy that he had to sit with 68 vials of my cum in his presence'"

NYmag


"Sain told police that he didn't mean to threaten Fields, and regrets the language he used."—No doubt. Here's an example:

"Rhonda Fields, N----- C---, Mother of -----, Death to Both, All N----- Back to Africa, F--- you, F--- Your Laws, I Keep my 30 Round Magazines, There Will Be Blood!, I'm Coming For You, N----- B----"

Occupy America


Prosperity Gospel is the cash cow of evangelism and now you can take a test to find out if your church is living up to its tenets:

"Does your church teach that God wants you to be a millionaire, yet your pastor is the only millionaire in the congregation? - 1 point"

Religion Dispatches


File this under "sounds really fucking familiar":

"His bestselling 1954 book The Seduction of the Innocent convinced parents and politicians alike that comics were a direct cause of violence, drug use, and homosexuality among young people. It led to the restrictive editorial code issued by the Comics Magazine Association of America, and a national movement to keep comics away from children and teens... Though Wertham claimed his evidence came from thousands of case studies, it turns out that he was lying."

io9

Speaking of best-selling books, here's the latest way how to buy that status.

"The son of American evangelist Benny Hinn was arrested in Brazil after allegedly beating up a deaf and dumb man during one of his father's rallies"

Mail Online

“'Concerning the question if alligator is acceptable to eat during the Lenten season...yes, the alligator is considered in the fish family...' The archbishop said he agreed with the parishioner that the alligator is a 'magnificent creature that is important to the state of Louisiana' and which is also 'considered seafood.'”

Catholic News Agency

"Most of the Slot Guru’s winnings are given to complete strangers. 'I love to give money to people who never expect it. Going up to someone and handing them a $100 bill in the casino when they least expect it makes me happy. Giving to others is what I believe the lord wants me to do. It’s all about Karma,' said the Slot Guru."

Dispatches From The Culture Wars

"SaharaReporters has uncovered a document indicating that a million dollars of Bayelsa State’s poverty alleviation fund was spent by then Governor Goodluck Jonathan on bringing American entertainers Beyonce and Jay Z to Nigeria in 2006."

Sahara Reporters

Our Wacky World—2/16/2013

ETO explodes over Russia—cue the inevitable chorus of conspiracy theorists. Former Major League Baseball star and steroid user José Canseco has offered his priceless opinion.

Why there are so many good dashcam videos of a 10 tonne bolide screaming over Russia? A better question would be, "Why are there so many Russian dashcam videos on the internet?"

"Of the three auto-diagnosing apps, the best program missed malignant growths 30 percent of the time; a second performed only slightly better than flipping a coin. One app, instead of using an algorithm, simply forwarded the photo to an accredited dermatologist, who responded with his considered opinion 24 hours later. At $5 per lesion, this was the most expensive program, though the e-doctor misdiagnosed just one in 53 melanomas."

Salon

"Unlike Many Secular Educators We Teach The Scientific Method!"

"Five things to remember:

1. Know your material. 
2. Be confident. 
3. Communicate well. 
4. Be thorough. 
5. Pray your exhibit will witness to non-Christian visitors."

Note that there are no pictures of this year's fair. That's because some mean atheists spoiled their fun.


How do living organisms survive without this?

"The problem with most water is that the body can’t actually absorb it, as the water’s composition can’t properly seep into the cells. You see water isn’t just water. If you’ve ever gone for a run and then stopped at a drinking fountain to drink some water, you may have experienced the feeling of the water not really quenching your thirst, besides tasting terrible. ...some people think that spring water is a good solution, but spring water...still isn’t the best because it is a simple molecular composition. While changing the pH (potential hydrogen) is helpful, that still doesn’t change the molecular structure i.e. surface tension and bonding angles. 

Starfire Water is different. Our water is spinned [sic] for several hours in a vortex to change the (hydrogen) composition of the water at a molecular level. Your cells suck up this water like a sponge."

Starfire Water


Another woo-meister bites the dust:

"In 1975 Swann wrote To Kiss Earth Good-Bye, which contains some really fascinating stuff. He makes the usual predictions of an impending ecological disaster. (The exact nature of the disaster changes from time to time, but that ecological disaster is always there in the near future, waiting for us.) Swann tells how he first established an ESP connection with one of his houseplants, asking it what was wrong when it was not doing well. The plant replied by projecting mental images to him."

BadUFOs

"As for Mike and Trina, for the past two years they have been 'unable to function' without their coffee enema, a ritual that takes five hours of planning and executing each day. They fill a 32-ounce bucket with coffee and deliver it to their lower intestine via a Vaseline-coated hose. 'That's the freaky part... I try to relax.'"

ABC

"'This is crazy. He was doing what he loved,' his mother, Doris Prokopi, said Friday from her Land O’Lakes home. 'That’s what he told them when he was arrested. That this was like arresting Indiana Jones. He collects these bones and puts them all together. This was always his dream. I don’t think he wanted to do anything else.' The question now is how should we interpret all of this? Is Prokopi a comic book hero or a black market mastermind? A scientist or a profiteer?"

The latter (Skeptic Blog)

"A pastor in Connecticut has apologized for taking part in a vigil for the victims of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School because his church does not allow worshiping with other faiths."

Crooks & Liars

Click for story

We now pause for a commercial from the Scientologists.


A misogynist's tale of recovery:

"At this time, I was also dabbling in music recording and fancied myself as the new Roger Waters. When I was dumped by my then-girlfriend, I wrote a whole concept album about the break-up. Embarrassingly, it got a distribution deal and was produced on a decent-sized CD run, so there’s a permanent record of it that still comes back to haunt me."

Noodlemaz

"Ms Harris drank up to 10 litres of Coke every day – equal to more than twice the recommended safe daily limit of caffeine and almost 1 kilogram of sugar... She died...from a cardiac arrest."

SMH

"Following a rise in violent crime in Paragould, an Arkansas town of around 26,000 residents, the mayor and police chief announced that starting this month police in SWAT gear carrying AR-15s would patrol the streets. 

“'If you’re out walking, we’re going to stop you, ask why you’re out walking, and check for your ID. We’re going to do it to everybody'”

Salon

"But when the smoky haze -- caused by rapid fire of nearly 140 bullets in less than 30 seconds -- dissipated, it soon became clear that more than a dozen officers had been firing at one another across a middle school parking lot in East Cleveland."

Cleveland

"Our favorite is Fitness & Sporting Goods, where the coupon can’t be used on anything labeled a 'fitness accessory.' One could argue that almost anything in this department would fall into that category."

Consumerist

Click for the message to his holiness

Our Wacky World—2/4/2013

???

Yet another installment in the What Were You Thinking/The Internet Never Forgets dept.:

"A 23-year-old math teacher has been suspended from her job after it was revealed she had been posting half-naked photos of herself on Twitter and joking about using drugs at school."

Mail Online

"Sobrino Valdeci...was arrested...for raping several women attending his church. He gave as an excuse that his penis had been consecrated with 'divine semen of the Holy Spirit... I hope to continue my wonderful job within the prison'"

M24digital

"...they have found that with women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies, that are embedded into the womb. ...these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies."

Opposing Views

No

"the reason why I say Evolution is false is because Evolution say's [sic] a fish can turn into a monkey but a fish dose not have the voice of a monkey and Evolution says a monkey can turn into a fish but why don't we see sea monkeys under water evolution says a rock Turned into a Fish witch has sex with a Monkey in a Mud Pool that was struck by lighting and then the fish grew legs and walked and gave birth to a Human so the big question is what was the fish shoe size before it grew feet lol ahhahahahahah Evolution is false checkmate"

Debate


Meanwhile, Ken Ham denies his own propaganda:

"I don’t know where people get the idea that people rode dinosaurs. I mean, there’s no evidence in the Bible that that is so. When Job was looking at Behemoth, the description there… there’s nothing to do with people riding dinosaurs. We don’t know how people interacted with dinosaurs."

Leo Weekly

Surprise, grandpa:

“My daughter got this in the mail!” he said. “She’s still in high school, and you’re sending her coupons for baby clothes and cribs? Are you trying to encourage her to get pregnant?”

Forbes

Is the NRA leadership out of touch with their own members?:

"...84% of gun-owners and 74% of NRA members (vs. 90% of non–gun-owners) supported requiring a universal background-check system for all gun sales; 76% of gun-owners and 62% of NRA members (vs. 83% of non–gun-owners) supported prohibiting gun ownership for 10 years after a person has been convicted of violating a domestic-violence restraining order; and 71% of gun-owners and 70% of NRA members (vs. 78% of non–gun-owners) supported requiring a mandatory minimum sentence of 2 years in prison for a person convicted of selling a gun to someone who cannot legally have a gun."

Yes. And when this happens on Fox News you're pretty well fucked. (New England Journal of Medicine )

NO

"Israel has admitted for the first time that it has been giving Ethiopian Jewish immigrants birth-control injections, often without their knowledge or consent."

Independent

"When cops finally allowed the pair to see the boy, they found the panicked kid seated in a shabby chair with his left wrist cuffed to the wall, Mendez said... The police later dropped the robbery charge against the seven-year-old. Police insist that he was held for half the time stated by the family. That would still be five hours for $5."

Turley's Blog

You don't have Dr. Oz, the Great and Terrible, in your country? You probably will soon:

"Oz is fifty-two and jauntily fit, with a perfectly tamed helmet of brown hair and lengthy sideburns. His scrubs, powder blue and cinched at the waist, fit so well they looked as if they had been run up for him on Saville Row. In promotional pictures, Oz, with a stethoscope draped like a scarf around his neck, looks eerily like Doug Ross, the character that George Clooney made famous on 'E.R.' He worked the line like a gifted politician, hugging people as they flipped open their phones and tried to get a picture with him. Many had brought old copies of magazines to be signed: Time, Good Housekeeping, Prevention—all with Oz on the cover. 'I worship you, Dr. Oz,' one woman told him. Another threw her arms around his neck. 'I haven’t seen a doctor in eight years,' she said. 'I’m scared. You are the only one I trust.'"

New Yorker

The rules just don't apply to some people:

“In providing mail service across the country, the Postal Service attempts to work within local and state laws and regulations, when feasible... However, as you are probably aware, the Postal Service enjoys federal immunity from state and local regulation”

Yahoo

And... It's official. Fetus ≠ person:

"But when it came to mounting a defense in the Stodghill case, Catholic Health’s lawyers effectively turned the Church directives on their head. Catholic organizations have for decades fought to change federal and state laws that fail to protect 'unborn persons,' and Catholic Health’s lawyers in this case had the chance to set precedent bolstering anti-abortion legal arguments. Instead, they are arguing state law protects doctors from liability concerning unborn fetuses on grounds that those fetuses are not persons with legal rights."

Huffington Post

Hell No

In other church news:

"Behind a disguised offshore company structure, the church's international portfolio has been built up over the years, using cash originally handed over by Mussolini in return for papal recognition of the Italian fascist regime in 1929. 

"Since then the international value of Mussolini's nest-egg has mounted until it now exceeds £500m. In 2006, at the height of the recent property bubble, the Vatican spent £15m of those funds to buy 30 St James's Square. Other UK properties are at 168 New Bond Street and in the city of Coventry. It also owns blocks of flats in Paris and Switzerland."

Guardian

"The honour killings are carried out by law abiding, educated and respectable people, who fear the society and always try to guard their reputation. They always care about their esteem and public image and do not want any harm to their public standing"

Telegraph

"Minnesota attorney Thomas P. Lowe, 58, has been suspended indefinitely after he was found not only to have had an affair with a client in a divorce case but then charged her for time they spent having sex."

Turley's Blog

A major patent troll bites the dust:

"Remarkably, the judge overseeing the case ruled during trial that the jury wouldn't be allowed to make a decision about Newegg's arguments that the patent was invalid. That line of reasoning—that Soverain's patents were bogus to begin with—would become the basis of Newegg's appeal.

"Just saying "do it on the Internet" isn't a novel invention, the appeals court ruled. The three-judge panel found that all of the "shopping cart" patent claims were rendered obvious in light of the CompuServe Mall."

Ars Technica

Fuck No