Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Our Wacky World—7/17/2012

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says "we don't allow Higgs bosons here." The Higgs boson asks "how do you have mass?"

Bryan "Douche" Fischer never fails to disappoint. I've written posts about him in the past but he spouts so much fucked up shit every week that I can't present them all to you for fear of desensitization to true evil. Fortunately, every couple of months he manages to top himself.  Ed Brayton has a "Bryan Fischer Award"—guess who it went to this week?
"Because after all, Obamacare is all about improving the health of the American people," the radio host explained. "We know that going to church is good for you, it's good for your health. So we are going to mandate that you go to church for your own health and we are going to tax the atheists who don't go to church."
Crooks & Liars

The sound of ass. Hell, going to church eliminates the need for health care. It cures herpes, hemorrhoids, homosexuality, hangnails and whooping cough (don't even bother to vaccinate your kids). If you have an attack of angina head for the nearest steeple.

Funny thing, though. I remember Dr. Gene Scott once saying that if you wanted to find Satan at work in America, just head for the nearest steeple. The next time I have explosive diarrhea I know where to go. And speaking of ass, sodomy is now OK if it's part of Jihad.

"If a poor defendant can’t immediately pay a fine imposed by a court, they are placed on probation and under the authority of a private company called Judicial Corrections Services. JCS then charges $35 a day, in addition to the original fine that they couldn’t pay. And then, when they predictably can’t pay even more than they couldn’t pay initially, they get to throw them in jail for violating their probation."
Dispatches From The Culture Wars

"The EasyDefense tag is treated with a bio-energetic process and sealed in an electro-magnetic shielded envelope. When opened and placed on your pet, it uses your pet's own inherent energy to send out frequencies that repel pests. The process operates with quantum mechanic's refined frequencies, and is somewhat similar to the basic principles of homeopathy."
In other words, it's an expensive piece of shit that does absolutely nothing except make you feel better.

"I announced I wasn’t a conservative anymore — and the proverbial crap hit the fan. Since then, I have been treated by the political right with all the maturity of schoolyard bullies. The Daily Caller, for instance, wrote three articles about my shift, topping it off with an opinion piece in which they stated that I deserved criticism because I wear “thick-rimmed glasses” and I like Ludwig Wittgenstein. Why don’t they just call me “four-eyes”? These are not adults leveling serious criticism; these are scorned right-wingers showing all the maturity of a little boy. No wonder I fit in so well when I was 13."

A former police officer and FBI official who retired due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder claims she saw angels when she first responded to the Pennsylvania crash of hijacked Flight 93 during the terror attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. “The angels started appearing on the perimeter of the crash site....They were dressed as if they were in warrior garb like a Roman centurion, and there were so many of them, you couldn’t see their faces.”
Dispatches From The Culture Wars

"Arrested and jailed three times, Bosque, 48, has been fired at least six times. Now under suspension pending yet another investigation into misconduct, Bosque stays home and collects his $60,000-a-year paycheck for doing nothing. 
"Before he was ever hired in Opa-locka 19 years ago, Bosque, whose nickname is GB, was tossed out of the police academy twice and fired from two police departments. Each time he has faced trouble he has been reinstated with back pay. He boldly brags about his ability to work a law enforcement system that allows bad cops to keep their certification even in the face of criminal charges."
Miami Herald

"Despite not making it through two weeks at the academy, Barnes stands to collect a total of at least $1.2 million from the city’s police pension fund. He can keep collecting his annual disability payment — which now stands at $46,343 and which will increase as the salary for an entry-level patrolman goes up — until he reaches mandatory retirement at age 63. Then, he can retire with a full police pension — based on all of his years as a disabled officer."

"The fact that the government spent $5 billion on a camouflage design that actually made its soldiers more visible — and then took eight years to correct the problem — has also left people in the camouflage industry incensed. The total cost comes from the Army itself and includes the price of developing the pattern and producing it for the entire service branch."
The Daily

"It is a culture that awards mere mortals royalty status. It is a culture that has grabbed hold of our youth and wrung some of that youth out of them. It is a culture that winks at a supposed 20-hour weekly work 'limit' imposed by the NCAA that we all know is a joke.... It is a culture that tacitly supports academic fraud and 'clustering,' the practice of guiding athletes to easy classes that produce the least friction against their athletic lives. It is a culture that allowed five Ohio State football players to participate in a bowl game in the middle of a major infractions case primarily because the school argued in favor of it."
Turley's Blog

"There were more than a few shaking hands and pale faces in the audience at the final keynote, and neither the VP of channels Jon Roskill nor COO Kevin Turner could manage to get more than a smattering of applause or whoops from the audience...despite both giving fiery speeches... 
"So one has to wonder what Microsoft thought it was doing when it booked infamous 'quantum healer' Deepak Chopra to spend 20 minutes at the end of the keynote explaining how people must concentrate their emotions on avoiding conflict and raising global happiness."
The Register

Started out with Bryan Fischer and ended with Deepak Chopra. My work here is done. Sorry about the lack of pictures.

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