Sunday, December 25, 2011

Ho Ho Fuckin' Ho

Click here for one of the best rage comics I've ever seen

Monday, December 19, 2011

Our Wacky World—12/22/2011

And now for something really awful—Billy Idol singing "White Christmas"

Yep, that hella sucked. On another holiday note, here's some skateboard hooligans trashing stores. It's a good thing they got it all on HD video. Hope their families can afford lawyers.

Now, with all the Xmas cheer out of the way, here's this week's quote from Michelle Bachmann:
If she were president and a U.S. drone crashed in Iran, as one did last week, Bachmann said she would "seek to obtain that drone." However, she would not provide further details because "it's not prudent to say as a president what I would do ahead of time."
Not that any voters would want to know what she would do as president. (CNN)

As you may have already heard, Christopher Hitchens is now burning in hell. A few people have had the temerity to call out some of his "mistakes"

I first became aware of who Hitchens was when he suddenly popped up as a supporter of the war against terror Islam. All of the lionizing of him has fallen flat for me since. People who knew him before then (Randi being a good example) no doubt have a different perspective. He was a great wit and writer but also a classic example of a flawed human being. I'm assuming that his drinking was the cause of his cancer. At the risk of beating this to death, here's Glenn Greenwald's longer essay about his Iraq war nonsense. I'm just a bit sus of Richard Dawkins, too. Maybe it was was his hysterical screeching about Stephen J. Gould. Well, actually it was that that soured me.

"A video camera recorded what happened next as DeAngelo Mitchell told his brother he couldn't afford another strike against him and that he needed his brother to eat the cocaine he had in his possession. Mitchell then appears to hand off the cocaine, which was stuffed in his buttocks, to his brother." [includes the video]
Mail Online

"Hair is an extension of the nervous system, it can be correctly seen as exteriorized nerves, a type of highly evolved ‘feelers’ or ‘antennae’ that transmit vast amounts of important information to the brain stem, the limbic system, and the neocortex."
Skeptic blog

"A New York woman claims her home got more than it agreed to when they brought an adopted toy poodle into their home that was demon possessed. Olga Horvat, a certified Lumia Science Color Therapist and writer of a book Paranormal Pooch writes that her pure-bred dog Princess brought with her a string of bad luck on her home and family.
✂. . .
...she is selling energy shield pendants for both animals and humans at $197 for the human and $189 for the pet. The Energy Shield is a device that will support and balance your body’s own magnetic field, while protecting you from the negative energy generated by many aspects of our environment,’ her website describes the small metal objects which resemble tiny water-tight canisters for holding addresses or other slips of paper – with the addition of ‘Energy Shield’ written around it. In addition her pendants, she says that dogs with pointy, opposed to floppy ears, she has learned, are more prone to demon infiltration, ‘because the spirit can get in there easier,’ she explained."
Skeptic blog

Well gang, what could possibly go wrong with THIS idea?
"The laser, resembling a rifle and known as an SMU 100, can dazzle and incapacitate targets up to 500m away with a wall of light up to three metres squared. It costs £25,000 and has an infrared scope to spot looters in poor visibility. Looking at the intense beam causes a short-lived effect similar to staring at the sun, forcing the target to turn away."

I'm sure this damn thing will be declared safe as the people who will be using it will be the ones interpreting the safety data. And then DHS will be giving them to every police dept. in America who will in turn use them to break up lawful protests and bust people with an ounce of pot.

I have lasers. A bunch of them. I even have a one Watt laser. It sets thing on fire. These things are not toys; I singed my fingers focusing the 1W! Here in the US lasers are a radiological hazard regulated by the FDA. It should get interesting when every "eye doctor" in the country comes out against this.

'Two former participants in the CIA’s Mars visitation program of the early 1980’s have confirmed that U.S. President Barack H. Obama was enrolled in their Mars training class in 1980 and was among the young Americans from the program who they later encountered on the Martian surface after reaching Mars via “jump room.”'

The Alabama immigration law trainwreck continues:
'A young man interviewed by Human Rights Watch said he was stopped and detained by police for not having a driver's license and was told by an officer, "You have no rights." One permanent resident was told by a major store employee her prescription could not be refilled because she is not a citizen.'

"Thanks to a $374,000 taxpayer-funded grant, we now know that inhaling lemon and lavender scents doesn't do a lot for our ability to heal a wound. With $666,000 in federal research money, scientists examined whether distant prayer could heal AIDS. It could not. The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine also helped pay scientists to study whether squirting brewed coffee into someone's intestines can help treat pancreatic cancer (a $406,000 grant) and whether massage makes people with advanced cancer feel better ($1.25 million). The coffee enemas did not help. The massage did."
Chicago Tribune

"Even though [sperm donor] Johnson has been helping lesbian couples become pregnant, one of his main gubernatorial platforms in 2010 was running against gay marriage."
The Sideshow

"For most of this week the air in Beijing has been rated as “very unhealthy” and “hazardous” by the US Embassy air monitor, reputed as the most reliable indicator of pollution in the city. On Sunday it posted a new record: “beyond index”, as it registered 522 micrograms of particulate pollutants per cubic meter of air." [includes pictures of what little you can see—and comments about how the pictures must be fake]
France 24

Monday, December 12, 2011

Our Wacky World—12/12/2011

Charlie Brown learns what Christmas is all about (the real version). And here are some really bad Nativity scenes. And here's the latest priceless quote from Rick "man on dog" Santorum:
'Discussing controversial classroom subjects such as evolution and global warming, Santorum said he has suggested that “science should get out of politics” and he is opposed to teaching that provides a “politically correct perspective.”'

"i [sic] had an acetylene bottle in my truck, the valve was bumped so slightly and over night the truck filled with the gas. i [sic] noticed the smell, and opened the doors to air out the truck. i [sic] drove the truck out of the garage to get some more air movement. i [sic] went to roll the pass side window down and as soon as i [sic] touched the power windows. BAM. with me in the truck." [GREAT pictures]

PAYPAL: Only a nonprofit can use the Donate button.
ME: That’s false. It says right in the PDF of instructions for the Donate button that it can be used for “worthy causes.”
PAYPAL: I haven’t seen that PDF. And what you’re doing is not a worthy cause, it’s charity.
ME: What’s the difference?
PAYPAL: You can use the donate button to raise money for a sick cat, but not poor people.
Tech Crunch

PayPal later backed down.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

"It boggles the mind that neither side knew about this during trial," the judge said yesterday, blaming both the prosecution and the defense for not realizing earlier that Montgomery literally had an iron-clad alibi. "Both sides in this case were spectacularly incompetent."
ABA Journal

From helpless gypsy to millionaire (undeclared income at that). Not bad:
'Bridgette Evans, 33, raked in $1.6 million from clients who believed she could eradicate otherworldly forces causing them misfortune... She would instruct people to send her cash—and in one case, a Rolex watch—that she would use in a spiritual ritual, promising to return the money once the spirits disappeared. Her attorney...argued Evans is a victim of the "gypsy culture" in which she was raised. She has a fifth-grade education and has had to make money as a psychic'

"...she even ripped open her blouse, then wet her pants to give the appearance she had been knocked unconscious. But it was all part of what authorities said Friday was an elaborate hoax by the woman to convince her husband she was raped so they could move to a safer neighborhood."

"...the victim...told police he was crossing Broadway near the school...when he was struck by...Hillen's...Honda Accord. As he struggled to his feet, alleged to have stopped and asked if he was okay. According to the complaint, when the victim said "No,"
 [Aida] Hillen tossed him a religious pamphlet and attempted to flee, much like her operatic namesake, albeit in her case toward the swamps of Galveston County and not the Egyptian desert."
Houston Press

Most people—sportswriters included—have a very poor grasp of probability:
"But I also believe in Tim Tebow because there is no scientific explanation for what is happening to the Denver Broncos. There is no other plausible way to make sense of these games and the amazing, miraculous way with which they win week after week. … It just happened."
Yes, there's no other explanation for a statistically insignificant short series of wins, is there? Do teams have losing streaks because "god" hates them?


While we're on the subject of mathematical literacy, how good are you at arithmetic?
“The math section had 60 questions. I knew the answers to none of them, but managed to guess ten out of the 60 correctly. On the reading test, I got 62% . In our system, that’s a “D”, and would get me a mandatory assignment to a double block of reading instruction. ...I have a bachelor of science degree, two masters degrees, and 15 credit hours toward a doctorate. I help oversee an organization with 22,000 employees and a $3 billion operations and capital budget, and am able to make sense of complex data related to those responsibilities. I have a wide circle of friends in various professions. Since taking the test, I’ve detailed its contents as best I can to many of them, particularly the math section, which does more than its share of shoving students in our system out of school and on to the street. Not a single one of them said that the math I described was necessary in their profession."
Washington Post

Now, before you fall into the trap of agreeing with any of this wankery, try solving some of the irrelevantly abstruse Algebra 101 problems that stumped him:
"This is yet another demonstration of a problem I've been banging on about for years: the innumeracy of intellectuals. Mr. Roach holds three college degrees, and clearly considers himself an educated person, but even a lack of practice at taking tests can't really explain this level of failure."
Uncertain Principles

What a simple test. I aced it. If you can't solve these problems you're innumerate.

"The Israelification of America’s security apparatus, recently unleashed in full force against the Occupy Wall Street Movement, has taken place at every level of law enforcement, and in areas that have yet to be exposed. The phenomenon has been documented in bits and pieces, through occasional news reports that typically highlight Israel’s national security prowess without examining the problematic nature of working with a country accused of grave human rights abuses. But it has never been the subject of a national discussion. And collaboration between American and Israeli cops is just the tip of the iceberg."
Exile Online

Meanwhile, there's some bad news in Jerusalem.

Boxing day

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Our Wacky World—12/3/2011

"Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas."
Rock Beyond Belief

Seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting over four hours. Or delusions like this:
"Professor Subhi described sitting in a coffee shop in an unnamed Arab state. ‘All the women were looking at me,’ he wrote. ‘One made a gesture that made it clear she was available... this is what happens when women are allowed to drive.’"
Dream on, professor. (Mail Online)

“Before the kids go to junior high school, spank them every time they make mistakes, but greatly reduce the frequency after junior high since the children form their own personalities by that age; The spanking tool is confined to the rattan cane only, which causes minor bruises; Only hands and calves are spanked, other body parts are spared; Mistakes are pointed out every time before the whack so children know why they are punished; Sisters and brothers must watch when one of them is smacked so they learn; The punished one has to count the number of spankings during each admonishment; The punished one cannot try to avoid the punishment, otherwise he/she gets more.”
Global Public Square

'No other news network gets comparable NYPD protection, although a police department spokesman suggested in an email to the Daily Beast that they did. As best we could decipher a rationale for this extraordinary sentry at the gates of the Fox empire, it appears to be fueled by the security obsession of Fox News chief Roger Ailes.
 ✂. . .
Ailes, who works out of News Corp. headquarters, is notorious for his obsession with security. A May 2011 Rolling Stones [sic] profile on the media mogul described how Ailes requested that bombproof glass be installed in his office windows, and is “convinced that he has personally been targeted by Al Qaeda for assassination.”'
The Daily Beast

"Smith was sitting in first class when a passenger seated behind him saw the images and became concerned. The passenger took a cellphone picture of what Smith was doing, then alerted a flight attendant. The passenger also emailed a relative about the situation and asked that person to contact police... Smith tried to erase pictures of what appeared to be pre-teen girls engaged in sexual acts after a flight attendant told him to turn off his computer."
Washington Post

'...a parent told police that her daughter had been invited--along with other girls--to Crain’s residence for a pizza party. ...“they dressed up in bras and panties and decorated the tree and ate pizza.” Under questioning by her parents, the girl revealed that Crain “took photos of her and her friends decorating the tree,” and that some of the girls “made up a cheer dance and did it in the bra and panties while Crain videotaped them.”'
The Smoking Gun

"...she joined Scientology's hardcore Sea Organization -- signing its standard billion-year contract -- at only 14 years of age. ..after her stepfather committed suicide and her mother denounced Scientology on French television, Paris was ordered to "disconnect" from her family. ...David Miscavige then enforced that disconnection by having her put on the cruise ship, the Freewinds, that sails the Caribbean and caters to high-level church members. Paris was told she'd be on the ship for two weeks. Instead, she says she was held there against her will for 12 years."
Village Voice

"Federal prosecutors said the three conned elderly customers into buying unnecessary septic products, in some cases more than 70 years worth of toilet paper"
CBS Miami

"A musician who composed a track for use at a local film festival later found it being used without permission in an anti-piracy campaign. He is now claiming at least a million euros for the unauthorized distribution of his work on DVDs. To make matters even worse, a board member of a royalty collection agency offered to to help the composer to recoup the money, but only if he received 33% of the loot."
Torrent Freak

"[David] Duke was picked up by German police last Friday while trying to speak at a neo-Nazi gathering just outside Cologne. He was later released and has remained in Germany while authorities here institute deportation proceedings."
The Local

Ambien awakens people with borderline consciousness:
"...three years was well past the point at which doctors would expect any sort of spontaneous recovery. Viljoen awoke with the ability to speak in complete sentences. Not only did he recognize his mother, but he also recognized the voices of people who had spoken to him only when he was apparently vegetative. He remembered nothing of the mysterious realm he kept receding back into. When doctors asked him what it was like to slip away, he said he felt no changes at all. But he could recall conversations from the previous day’s awakening, along with bits and pieces of his former life: his favorite rugby team, specific matches he attended, players that he rooted for and against. As time passed, his cognition improved. He could laugh at jokes, and his awakenings stretched from a few hours to entire days. Eventually, he no longer needed zolpidem."

"Michele Bachmann told supporters in Iowa on Wednesday of her lofty plans for American diplomacy, claiming that a Bachmann presidency would mean no U.S. embassy in Iran. Considering the recent hostility in the Iranian capital of Tehran against the British embassy, the comment might not seem particularly out of place -- if not for the fact that the U.S. hasn't actually had a functioning embassy in Iran since 1980."
I can't make this shit up. If I had the time I'd do a special post on all the batshit this woman has spouted in the last couple of months but I'll probably never get around to it. She'll say something even loonier tomorrow. (Huffingon Post)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Our Wacky World—11/27/2011

'Brazilian researchers polled nearly 500 men from a dozen cities, and found that roughly 35 percent of the men had "made it" with an animal. That's a problem, because screwing a horse, donkey, pig, or any other animal was found to up your likelihood of developing cancers of the penis by 42 percent.'

"After a three year investigation, European Union officials have concluded that there is no evidence to prove that water can prevent dehydration. Bottled water producers are now forbidden by law from making such a claim."
Turley's blog

This week's sample from Michelle Bachmann's endless supply of batshit:
"But, while Bachmann at least had an obvious reason for inventing and/or distorting the “facts” in her original story — to sound more Iowan when campaigning in Iowa — nothing can explain why this woman would take a chance on making up the addition to her story that appears in her new book, Core of Conviction: My Story — that her great-great-grandfather, Halvor Munson, won a farm in Kansas from Jesse James in a poker game!"
This Week in Christian Nationalism

'District Attorney Lisa Riniker appears intent on outdoing other prosecutors by charging a 6-year-old boy with first-degree sexual assault for what the family says was playing doctor with a 5-year-old girl. The toddler is charged with a Class B felony and Riniker rejects criticism that she failed to apply not just discretion but reason. Instead she says “the legislature could have put an age restriction in the statute if it wanted to. The legislature did no such thing.”'
Turley's blog

"The $6.2bn George [H.W.] Bush, when functioning on top line, is perhaps the most powerful warship in the world. Its air group of more than 90 planes and choppers could defeat many national air forces or navies on its own, and it can steam at a speedboat-like 30+ knots for 20 years without refuelling.
 ✂. . . times there hasn't been a single working head – as lavs are known at sea – anywhere aboard the entire mighty hundred-thousand-ton warship. Reportedly the Bush is fitted with no less than 423 thrones, but it appears that problems with the suction flushing system can easily knock out large numbers of these at once – or even all of them."

"The theme of the movie is nothing new, and it is rapidly gaining a New Age cult status that deserves a skeptical look. One of the most egregious claims in the movie is that free energy machines are being suppressed by "the man" because it would overthrow the current energy producers."

"After a devastating breakup, Eric Smith does the only sensible thing: he [sells the ring and] buys a full set of armor inspired by Halo"
Bygone Bureau

The ban was placed by school administrators after a parent suffered a concussion after being hit in the head by a soccer ball. "Any balls brought will be confiscated and may be retrieved by parents from the office," a statement obtained by CTV said. "The only kind of ball allowed will be nerf balls or sponge balls."
Huffington Post

"Charles Preston found $500,000 worth of cocaine hidden in the door panels of his used Chrysler Town & Country 15 months after he bought the car, when his car was in the shop having its brakes examined"
AOL Autos

"A Catholic Church child safety co-ordinator who was in charge of investigating sexual abuse allegations was jailed for 12 months today for internet peadophile offences."
Mail Online

Let Us Spray

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Our Wacky World—11/16/2011

Now that Halloween is over with it's back to the wackiness...
"Allison DuBois, the best-selling author who inspired the recently cancelled television show Medium, claims to have amazing psychic abilities. But when her skills are tested in the real world—first with a missing-child case and then at a dinner party on reality-TV—they prove less than stellar." [it gets funnier]

'Some proudly display pictures of pox on children's limbs. ...they proudly post pictures of them on their blogs, with chirpy captions like "The little people enjoying each other, playing, and getting exposed" and "Although it sounds awful, we certainly hope the exposing worked!" doesn't just "sound" awful. It is awful. True, such complications are fairly uncommon but they can be quite serious, all in the name of being "natural" and avoiding those evil vaccines. ...some parents...are mailing the virus to each other'
Which is a violation of federal law. Anthrax, anyone? (Respectful Insolence)

"Doctors who took an ultrasound of a man's testicles to find out what was causing him pain were astounded to find a gaping face staring back at them" (picture)

"With coverage many times greater than a bracelet or necklace, the IonX Ionized Energy Fabric, exclusive to Energy Athletic Golf, delivers ionized energy to the entire upper body through a negatively charged electromagnetic field built into the molecular structure of the fabric."
"A study using a procedure called the rubber hand illusion has found striking new evidence that people experiencing schizophrenia have a weakened sense of body ownership and has produced the first case of a spontaneous, out-of-body experience in the laboratory."
Science Codex

"In the Justice Department’s view, the CFAA criminalizes conduct as innocuous as using a fake name on Facebook or lying about your weight in an online dating profile."

A former white supremacist had his facial tattoos removed:
"Widner had never felt such pain. Not all the times he had suffered black eyes and lost teeth in bar brawls, not the time in jail when guards — for fun — locked him up with a group of black inmates in order to see him taken down. His face swelled up in a burning rage, his eyes were black and puffy, his hands looked like blistered boxing gloves. He had never felt so helpless or so miserable."

It looks like we're going to have about a hundred fucking GOP debates this election season. Every week there's a new poll showing how the candidates stars rise and fall. This week the heat was on Herman Cain:
'But leave it to former Sen. Fred Thompson to really elevate the debate. In a riotously funny column penned in Cain’s defense, he too blows the whistle on the whole “sexual-harassment scam.” Because it is, as he conceives of it, a talentless woman’s golden ticket to fame: “These alleged victims and their lawyers—no matter what they may say publicly—are champing at the bit to come forward for their day in the limelight and the inevitable book deal.”'

Even better is this exercise in attitude from a sure 'nough Mormon:
"I don’t care what did or did not happen to her. First and foremost, I don’t believe rape exists. When there are incidents that are classified as “rape,” or names that are similar, what usually ends up happening is that the “victim” tends to “forget” to mention immodesty, flirty actions, or other conduct on their part that contributed to the matter. A woman who dresses immodestly must accept accountability for her choice of attire. If, in fact, this girl was being molested or forced into prostitution as the media outlets say her tweets claimed, then it was her fault that it happened, and continued to happen."

I love how you can't select any text on the page. But copy the source and paste it into an html editor and you're good to go. What a fucking douche.

'An Australian escort agency is offering the virginity of a teenage girl for AU$15,000 (US$15,400), prompting outraged community groups to describe the move as "putting women's liberation back centuries." MyOutCall offering the Chinese 19-year-old student for four days in exchange for the $15,000 sum.'
Fox DC

Masturbation was the gateway drug before cannabis:
"No single vice causes so much mental and physical debility ... It impairs the intellect, weakens the memory, debases the mind, ruins the nervous system, exhausts the vital power and destroys body, mind and soul."
Then it was comic books, pulp novels, video games... (Cracked)

'...the Catholic Church in Germany, through its wholly- owned subsidiary...has been selling what they now demand to be classified as “erotica.” ...last week, after reports spread worldwide of their selling “erotica,” the Catholic Church threatened lawsuits against publishers who had called the 2500 titles, with names like, “Fuckable,” “Lawyer’s Whore,” and “Sluts’ Boarding School,” pornography, insisting they were “erotica.” Which is kind of like the Catholic Church insisting its priests don’t molest children at a higher rate than the general population does.'
The New Civil Rights Movement

"One year at Princeton University: $37,000. One year at a New Jersey state prison: $44,000."
Guantanamo is only $800,000 a year. (The Atlantic)

'The troublemaker for power grids is the "GIC" – short for geomagnetically induced current. When a coronal mass ejection (a billion-ton solar storm cloud) hits Earth's magnetic field, the impact causes the field to shake and quiver. These magnetic vibrations induce currents almost everywhere, from Earth's upper atmosphere to the ground beneath our feet. Powerful GICs can overload circuits, trip breakers, and in extreme cases melt the windings of heavy-duty transformers.'

"An estimated 33,000 people in Rhode Island have been left without medical records after Dr. Nomate Kpea, a dermatologist, left for Nigeria to run for political office — leaving their files in foreclosed properties in the state."
Turley's Blog

"The Cross Spangled Banner Combines
the World’s Two Most Powerful Symbols
 to Reawaken the Virtue America has Forgotten"

Friday, November 4, 2011

Our Wacky World—11/4/2011

Free Icon
"A MAN caught having sex with a donkey stunned a court on Monday by claiming that the animal was in fact a hooker he pulled from a nightclub."
New Zimbabwe

“We were curious to know which bands people would be most horrified to discover when browsing their date’s iPod”  (And the most horrifying band is... )
 Gun Shy Assassin

"She's mad because I've ordered her to bring the car back, in a nutshell, but yeah, that's me. I lost my temper," Adams told the station. "Her mother was there, she wasn't hurt ... it was a long time ago ... I really don't want to get into this right now because as you can see my life's been made very difficult over this child."
It's really a shame that she fucked up his life so much that he had to beat the crap out of her--in front of a hidden video camera:
"In my mind I have not done anything wrong other than discipline my child when she was caught stealing. I did lose my temper, I've apologized. It looks worse than it is."

You be the judge.
"One court employee called Adams a good judge and told CNN affliate [sic] KTRK that there were always two sides to every story."
I can't wait to see the video of the other side. Thanks for the False Dichotomy, I don't get enough of that every day already.

Amazingly, "Christians" do this sort of thing all the time:
'To Train Up a Child is a manual of progressive violence against children. Not only are there no stopgaps to prevent child abuse, the book is a mandate to use implements to inflict increasingly intense pain in the face of continued disobedience. The part about not causing injury is vague and open to interpretation, but the part about never backing down or shirking your parental duty to spank harder and harder is crystal clear. The Pearls’ teachings will lead, inescapably, to extremely strong-willed kids being abused and sometimes murdered by fundamentalist parents who are determined to “break” those children.'
No Longer Quivering

"An email sent out to members of the Crystal Cathedral congregation requesting meals for founder Robert H. Schuller's wife Arvella, who is ill with pneumonia...was Bible study groups as well as church elders, asking that meals for the reverend's wife be dropped off at the cathedral's Tower of Hope where the Schullers' limo drivers will be waiting to pick them up at the designated time."
OC Register

Revisiting the midnight ride of Betty & Barney Hill:
'Barney Hill told Betty while in Colebrook, NH shortly after 10 PM, “It looks like we should be home by 2:30 in the morning—or 3:00 at the latest.” Macdonald says, "That’s a wildly optimistic estimate. But they’d already decided that they were going to drive home that night. They were on the tail end of a twelve-hundred-mile trip, had run out of money, and were committed to pushing on." In fact, "By the time they reached home they’d been driving for around twenty-one hours. They’re lucky that being abducted by space aliens was the worst that happened to them: Others who’ve tried similar trips have run into trees."'
Bad UFOs

"Do you guys think women are really lesbians or is it just another form of “look at me” attention whoring? I mean they don’t have sex, they don’t reproduce, they don’t achieve financial success like the gay male community does. In fact I’m not sure exactly what lesbians are doing in their relationships. I still don’t believe they are real. In order for two people to come together there must be a very specific purpose and attention whoring is shallow even for women. They usually only shack up for babies and money."
Man Boobz

'Anti-Gay lobbyist and former deputy clerk of the Virginia House of Delegates, Linda Wall, wants to put her conservative ideology to work for the citizens of Appomattox, Virginia...  Her campaign slogan is: “A Campaign of Protection and Restoration.” But the place where our Country was reunited in 1865, is wondering just what kind of “protection” she’s talking about and has a real dilemma on its hand since Wall admitted a lesbian affair with one of her junior high students in the early 1970s. Wall says the affair was a “youthful mistake,” and that God has “cured her” of her homosexuality. The former gym teacher is now an “ex-Gay” she claims.  Wall even went on to “educate” the voters about just how one becomes involved in a homosexual affair in the first place. “I call what’s going on today criminal in telling people they’re born [gay] when there’s no scientific evidence to prove that anymore,” Wall said.' 
Is that supposed to mean that there was scientific evidence at an earlier time?? There's nothing worse than a convert. (Turley's Blog)

"One of my students working in the oilfields habitually came in late, and started to fall asleep in class," said Stout. "I asked him what was going on, and he said, 'I'm putting in 90 hours a week because the overtime pays so well ... to be honest with you, I'll get what you cover from my friends in class, but don't count on me staying awake or getting to class on time.'"

'The “superfood” industry has capitalized on the antioxidant craze. The recipe is simple: Pick a fruit, preferably something exotic and tropical. Claim it is a superfood with unique benefits. Develop a concentrate, a pill, or a mixture with other special ingredients. Advertise it with claims that can sneak by FDA restrictions. Solicit testimonials; make them up if necessary. Get several of your friends to try it so you can claim it is “clinically tested.” Start a multilevel marketing company. Charge exorbitantly high prices.'
Skeptic [scroll down]

"A San Fernando Valley doctor and evangelical minister who...used bogus herbal medications to offer false hope to dozens of people suffering from diseases such as cancer and Alzheimer's was found guilty Tuesday of nearly a dozen federal charges. Twenty-eight victims or family members of victims who died while taking the products testified against Christine Daniel, 57, who was found guilty Tuesday on four counts of mail and wire fraud, six counts of tax evasion related to income tax filings as well as one count of witness tampering."
LA Times

"It also turns out that Jobs had complications after his surgery. From what I can gather from Isaacson’s account (it wasn’t entirely clear to me) Jobs refused a nasogastric tube when he needed it and as a result aspirated gastric contents when he was sedated, developing a severe postoperative aspiration pneumonia from which at that point “they thought he might die.” Worse, although the transplant was a success, his old liver was riddled with metastases throughout, and surgeons noted “spots on his peritoneum.” Whether these “spots” were metastatic tumor deposits, Isaacson does not say, but it’s a good bet that they probably were."
Science-based Medicine

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Our Wacky World—10/22/2011

Been pretty busy lately. Wacky stuff keeps piling up.

Long-suffering readers will recall that October 21was Harold Camping's fallback date for The Rapture™. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, it didn't happen.

This week's top headline (includes pictures)—"Las Vegas man with 100-pound scrotum seeks money for surgery."

Tastes like Obama
Ready for another dose of Bryan "Douche" Fischer? He's been saying all sorts of hilarious stuff since my last post about him. In his latest hysterical screed against Islam, he breathlessly typed out the following sentence:
"Now, in contrast to Islam and Sharia, the Judeo-Christian tradition from day one has been adamantly opposed to the slave trade."
Coming from someone who claims to have read the Bible this is sheer comedy gold. But it gets better:
"Ancient Israel also allowed prisoners of war to be held as slaves, just as the United States did with German POWs in WWII. Planeloads of German POWs were brought to the South and worked in the fields until the end of the war. We couldn’t send them home, where they would take up arms again and kill us, and we didn’t want to execute them. Servitude was the only compassionate alternative. And it was the same in ancient Israel."
Ah yes, the old "they were better off that way" argument. I'm sure that all the "outsiders" the Israelites compassionately wiped out with God-Approved™ genocide were. Then there were all those Injuns in the Americas—they were also better off as slaves, at first. Unfortunately for the greedy Europeans they started dropping like flies from infectious diseases and it ultimately became necessary to import hardier stock from Africa. (Native American survivors were dealt on an as-not-wanted basis.)
"But sadly, we made our first concession to Sharia law in 1619 instead of being guided by the wisdom of Scripture, and we have paid a terrible price for it. Slavery became our first national sin, as abortion is today."
This shit takes the cake. The cognitive dissonance in this man's mind must be fucking his mother. What a complete douche.

American Family Association

Out with the trash
The day after the unscheduled enema, the man called his doctor and “asked if they had sent the woman to his house.” The doctor replied that he had not ordered the enema, and “suggested that he notify the police.”
The Smoking Gun

"A Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months."
Belfast Telegraph

"The children were trafficked by a secret network of doctors, nurses, priests and nuns in a widespread practice that began during General Franco’s dictatorship and continued until the early Nineties. Many mothers who gave birth there claim that when they asked to see their child after being told it had died, they were shown a baby’s corpse that appeared to be freezing cold."
Mail Online

"The free market provides you with the best system and we have charitable organizations and there's universities who are willing to take people are indigent. There are programs that are set up for the indigent, but don't destroy the finest health care system in the world to have socialized medicine because we have people who are indigent in the society. We take care of people who are indigent, people without funds. We do that through charity or we do that through university programs."
Michelle Bachmann to a man missing most of his teeth. She seems to have most of hers and nothing she says makes any sense.

"A former NYPD narcotics detective snared in a corruption scandal testified it was common practice to fabricate drug charges against innocent people to meet arrest quotas."
NY Daily News

"A psychic was arrested by Los Angeles County sheriff's officials for allegedly scaring a 12-year-old girl into stealing $10,000 in jewelry."
Didn't see that coming, huh? (LA Times)

Ceci n'est pas un avertissement

There's one terrorist attack that still hasn't been solved and the official FBI version doesn't cut it:
“It indicates a very special processing, and expertise,” said Martin E. Hugh-Jones, lead author of the paper and a world authority on anthrax at Louisiana State University. The deadly [anthrax] germs sent through the mail to news organizations and two United States senators, he added, were “far more sophisticated than needed.”

"One of the most senior churchmen in Las Vegas has admitted stealing over $650,000 from his parishioners to feed his gambling habit."
Mail Online

"For the first time in the history of the United States, a Catholic bishop is facing criminal charges. A Grand Jury in Jackson County, Missouri has indicted Bishop Robert Finn for failing to report child abuse."
Turley's Blog

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Our Wacky World—10/9/2011

The Register is having a Quote of the Week contest. My favorite entry is from someone disappointed with the launch of the iPhone 4S:
"I shave my balls for this?"
Meanwhile, Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs has been "Steved" and everything is coming out of the woodwork:
After a number of groups pointed out the irony, [Westboro Baptist Church leader ] Phelps continued to tweet, typing, "Rebels mad cuz I used iPhone to tell you Steve Jobs is in hell.God created iPhone for that purpose!"
Just last year they picketed Twitter (Huffington Post)

Don't they know that every time they use an iPhone or Twitter they're casting evil spells on themselves? And that every time they log on they're inviting demons into their homes? Satan laughs.

"Steve [Jobs] caught his very early, and should have expected to survive much longer than a decade. Unfortunately Steve relied on a naturopathic diet instead of early surgery. There is no evidence that diet has any effect on islet cell carcinoma. As he dieted for nine months, the tumor progressed, and took him from the high end to the low end of the survival rate.":
Skeptic Blog

'Despite the expert consensus on the value of surgery, Jobs did not elect it right away. He reportedly spent nine months on “alternative therapies,” including what Fortune called “a special diet.” But when a scan showed that the original tumor had grown, he finally had it removed on July 31, 2004, at Stanford University Medical Clinic.'
'Jobs was relieved that, as he put it in that 2004 email, he did “not require any chemotherapy or radiation treatments.” He took that as a sign that the surgery “got it all,” as every cancer patient desperately wishes to hear. In fact, any surgeons who say they “got it all” should be slapped'
They Daily Beast

Of course, anti-medicine kooks know it was the conventional treatment that actually killed Jobs:
"It is extremely saddening to see the cost in human lives that modern society pays for its false belief in conventional medicine and the cancer industry in particular. Visionary Steve Jobs died today, just months after being treated for cancer with chemotherapy at the Stanford Cancer Center in Palo Alto, California. In recent months, he appeared in public photos as a frail shadow of his former self. The thin legs, sunken cheek bones and loss of body weight are all classic signs of total body toxicity observed in chemotherapy and radiotherapy patients."
Respectful Insolence

This week in Toilet Law:
"And so we have the latest innovation in law school fleecing technology. Now you can apply to a law school on your iPhone. Because this is really the kind of decision you want to make as quickly as possible…."
Above The Law

"The communion wafer in question developed a brown spot in 2008 after falling on the floor during a Mass in the eastern Polish town of Sokolka. Two medical doctors determined that the spot was heart muscle tissue"
I thought transubstantiation was supposed to occur in your mouth, not on the floor. (Sun-Times)

"My dh and I added Christian Domestic Disciple to our long and happy marriage earlier this year. We had a couple of bumps along the way, mostly due to our lack of experience combining CDD and my dh's arousal during spankings. Some of the HOH in the Yahoo! group helped him understand that this is normal/natural and suggested that he try to separate that from the spankings. Mostly successful, so far."
So he gets it up when he's spanking his wife, what a surprise. (Jesus' General)

"Al-Qaida has sent a message to the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, asking him to stop spreading conspiracy theories about the 9/11 article published in the latest issue of the al-Qaida English language magazine, Inspire,...described Ahmadinejad's remarks over the 11 September attacks as "ridiculous"

Alabama's new anti-immigrant laws are working just as well as the ones in Georgia— everything is rotting on the vine:
[Farmer] Leroy Smith...challenged the senator to pick a bucket full of tomatoes and experience the labor-intensive work. Beason declined but promised to see what could be done to help farmers while still trying to keep illegal immigrants out of Alabama. Smith threw down the bucket he offered Beason and said, "There, I figured it would be like that."

"He was arrested a few months ago and charged with 41 counts of mail fraud, wire fraud, conspiracy and money laundering. He was accused of defrauding 220,000 people out of a staggering $52 million. They were told that by selling his vitamins, they'd earn more money than they actually could. So Lapre scammed his customers twice: first, by falsely claiming his vitamins were all but miracle cures, and then by falsely claiming that if people beneath him on his pyramid scheme sold them, they'd get rich. 
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Lapre committed suicide yesterday while in jail waiting for his trial to begin."

You can never attain a high enough level of of a religious lunacy for some lunatics:
"I am aware of the forces supporting "Answers in Genesis", these being the same powers that are supporting similar multi-cultural anti-Christian organizations such as Alpha, Promise Keepers, The Full Gospel Businessmen's Association, Billy Graham ministries, producers of many modern Bible versions, and a multitude of other ministries. These forces are the anti-Christian powers seeking One World Government under man, not God."
Dispatches From The Culture Wars

Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto "I don't recall" Gonzales finally found a job—at an unaccredited law school no one's ever heard of:
“I thought it fitting and most appropriate to recognize a man of his stature and accomplishments in the legal profession at the opening of the new law school at Belmont University”
Turley's Blog

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Our Wacky World—10/22/2011

And tomorrow
Dude, you've got hummingbirds in your underwear (picture). Vladamir Putin is doing is doing his level best to make your average Russian look like a pussy. Pastor Ted Haggard and Gary Busey are going to swap wives on reality TV show.

"Mad scientists successfully upgrade lab rat with cyborg brain"


Metallica, a band which peaked in the late Eighties (I haven't listened to them since), have reached a new low with the aid of Lou Reed:


William Shatner would at least have been funny. In fact, I think he'd be better. BTW, he has a metal album coming out soon (check out the samples). Vinyl for only $44! In other music news, here are the ten catchiest songs of all time (based on the latest scientific research).

"Kicking, shoving and grappling each other to the floor, the youngsters were filmed competing in cage fighting contests in front of a baying mob of hundreds of adults enjoying a night’s entertainment. The boys are not wearing padding or head gear as they grapple and slam each other into the canvas ...a spokesman for Lancashire Police said today the force had 'looked into this matter fully and there are no issues for us to pursue'."
Mail Online

"The coroner said the case “fits into the category” of SHC [spontaneous human combustion] – but how? Did it have any features that are known to correlate with gold-standard cases of SHC? That is what we generally mean when we say that something fits a defined category. It seems that the coroner only means – unexplained (back to the argument from ignorance)."
Skeptic Blog

There's a definitive analysis of SHC in the Skeptical Enquirer archive. If you've ever wondered what is actually going on just email me for the pdf.

You've probably already heard about this unconstitutional crap but anyway...
"You show me somebody who falls in love with Jesus, and I'll show you a person who won't be a problem to society"
Where to start?? (Crooks & Liars)

Assholes do
"One cadet wrote to MRFF reporting that when he asked if he could post the Chief of Staff’s memorandum on a bulletin board at the Academy, the response he got was, “Don’t go there. Who’s side are you on?” Apparently, wanting to post a memorandum from the Chief of Staff of the Air Force now means you’re on the “wrong side” at the Air Force Academy."
"Of course, the Air Force Academy is doing its best to deny that the billboard had anything to do with its sudden decision to distribute the memorandum right after the billboard went up. But, in doing so, Academy spokesman Lt. Col. John Bryan has succeeded only in contradicting himself to a point where nobody could possibly believe the version of the story he’s putting out."
This Week In Christian Nationalism

Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said Monday that it would be "foolish" to normalize trade with Cuba because Hezbollah could soon have "missile sites" there.
Crooks & Liars

"After being apprehended, Anderson became nervous when anyone tried to approach him, became aggressive and asked if the police were going to kill him. Anderson only calmed down after the officers advised him that the handcuffs were made of silver and the werewolf couldn't hurt him as long as he had them on."
Arkansas Online

"Scientists had been struggling to map the structure of M-PMV, a protein involved in a virus that causes a form of simian Aids, in an experiment called CASP9. The search, in that experiment and others, had been going on for more than a decade. The solution was not found by a laboratory but the players of an online puzzle game."

"Three jail inmates in a suicide watch cell were taken to the emergency room last month after apparently overdosing on narcotics that had been smuggled inside an inmate's rectum"

"...there is more space junk headed our way next month. A defunct German space telescope calledROSAT is set to hit the planet at the end of October – and it even is more likely than UARS to cause injury or damage in populated areas."
New Scientist

Here's some good old Micro$oft bashing:
“[Steve Ballmer] did one of the smartest things I've ever seen him do as CEO today: He delegated responsibility by paying someone else to jump around like an asshole during his entrance instead of doing it all by himself,” said a poster. “Now if only he'd do the same with his regular day job.”
The Register

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Our Wacky World—9/17/2011

I completely missing an important anniversary--the Wacky World Newsletter was ten years old last April. The best headline I've ever posted was "Rat Brain Flies Jet" In (belated) honor of this auspicious occasion, you can vote for this week's most imperative headline. The contestants are...


Here's the horrid web site of the week: Creation Museum and Taxidermy Hall of Fame of NC and Antique Tool Museum

Michelle Bachmann assumes the position
Even the FDA is fed up with Dr. Oz:

"We have explained to you that arsenic occurs naturally in many foods in both inorganic and organic forms and that only the inorganic forms of arsenic are toxic, depending on the amount. We have advised you that the test for total arsenic DOES NOT distinguish inorganic arsenic from organic arsenic. The FDA believes that it would be irresponsible and misleading for The Dr. Oz Show to suggest that apple juice contains unsafe amounts of arsenic based solely on tests for total arsenic.":


Erik Prince enters the video game market:
Critics have complained about the game because Blackwater employees take on missions for money, while U.S. soldiers, the focal point of games like "Modern Warfare 3" and "Battlefield 3," fight for their country.

Remember the woman who dressed her three year old up like a hooker for a TV show? Well...
"A mother who dressed her daughter like a prostitute for a toddler beauty pageant has revealed she has had death threats."
Mail Online

Funny, she doesn't look fat to me.
Michael Moore, on the other hand...
Michael Moore's new book describes his becoming the most hated American in America:
"This initial overwhelming response to Fahrenheit 9/11 spooked the Bush White House... After screening the movie with three different audiences in three separate cities, the news Karl Rove received was not good. The movie was not only giving a much-needed boost to the Democratic base (who were wild about the film), it was, oddly, having a distinct effect also on female Republican voters."
"...a man in a nice suit saw me on the sidewalk and went crazy. He took the lid off his hot, scalding coffee and threw it at my face. The Seal saw this happening but did not have the extra half-second needed to grab the guy, so he put his own face in front of mine and took the hit...(he had second-degree burns) ...the Seal took the man face down to the pavement, placing his knee painfully in the man's back, and putting him in cuffs."

'Acting on “credible information from a reliable source,” Metro Sgt. Mike Alba obtained a search warrant from Magistrate Court to send the woman into Memorial Medical Center to undergo a forcible and thorough body cavity search. Not only did the probe come up fruitless, however, but the woman was footed with a medical bill for $1,122'
Dispatches From The Culture Wars

Somebody's watching me
Costumed cops take on automotive scofflaws:
"Orange County deputy sheriff Richard Lockman, gets in the holiday mood Tuesday, December 9, 2008 dressed as an Elf, spots a red light runner in the intersection of the South Orange Blossom Trail and Taft-Vineland Road."
Orlando Sentinel

Death from the skies:
"Nasa admitted more than half a tonne of metal from the satellite, which ran out of fuel in 2005, will survive as the majority of it will burn up after entering Earth's atmosphere."

Church of $ex:
Who look like whores
"GoddessTemple is an organization of Tantra facilitators, body workers, relationship and sexuality counselors, touch therapists, sex surrogates, intuitive healers, Certified Tantric Therapists, sex educators, counselors and healers who practice yoga and other systems of healing and empowerment. Here you will find valuable information on conscious loving, pleasure and spiritual awakening."
Goddess Temple

And now they've been busted:


"However, joining the [microbial social network] site costs more than the typical fare of a valid email and unique password. The price tag for a MyMicrobes profile is a hefty $2,100, which basically covers the cost of having your gut bacteria sequenced. That may sound expensive, but it's cheaper than the cost of a typical full gut bacteria sequence (about $2,700)"